


Clean Pleasures

by Donna_Immaculata



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-22
Updated: 2011-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-27 20:23:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/299703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donna_Immaculata/pseuds/Donna_Immaculata
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An angry Argus Filch stumbles into Dumbledore's shower and lets off some steam.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clean Pleasures

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the HP Squick Fuh-Q Fest.

Argus Filch was raging. He had followed the muddy footprints all the way to the fourth floor corridor, where they ended just as suddenly in front of a solid wall as they had started in the middle of a deserted classroom. It might've been Peeves, who could appear out of thin air, but more likely it was that infuriating Potter and his comrade Black, instruments of fate's personal vendetta against him. But enough was enough. He would go to the Headmaster straight away, and he would make Dumbledore see reason and let him, Argus, use the old chains, which he'd kept well-oiled and ready at hand in his office. Oh yes, the time had come to see whether the brats could take as well as they gave. The Headmaster would surely listen to him, Argus murmured under his breath as he was hobbling along the wall, prodding and pushing and trying to find out how they could've disappeared without leaving a trace. Dumbledore would be on his side, he would give him permission to thrash the brats' hides mercilessly, and maybe, if he was feeling particularly generous, he might like to watch as Argus worked the brats; watch their unblemished, pale skin turn pink, then red, then bloodied. Oh yes, Albus would like that, panted Argus, fingering a mouldy tapestry lovingly. Albus would like it. Albus would understand.

The excitement of the search had got a bit too much for him, and he had to lean against the wall. He was still panting, yet smiling happily at the thought of Albus' blue twinkling eyes and his dear, wrinkled face glowing with joy at his caretaker's achievements, when all of a sudden, the wall gave way. With a girlish shriek, Argus fell head over heels and landed on his knees on something wet, hot and distinctly - fleshy?

"What's going on?!" He shouted, spluttering and wiping his eyes clean of water and soap, and trying to disentangle himself from something huge and sticky that clung to his skin, crawling into his nose and ears and blocking out his breath. "What the hell-!?"

To his great surprise, he heard an amused chortle right over his left ear. "Just keep quiet, Argus, we will free you in no time at all," sounded the Headmaster's familiar voice. "It seems my beard became wrapped around you when you decided to join me in my shower."

"But... how? What... pffft..." He spat out a few thick strands of beard that had strayed into his mouth when he had opened it to speak. Scrabbling for purchase in his awkward position on his knees, he felt his hands slide helplessly over the slick tiles. Too shocked and panicky to feel embarrassed, he groped around blindly, waiting for the thin fingers to free his face from the bulk of beard, and grabbed hold of something soft and handy. Dumbledore gave a small startled cry. "Now, now, Argus, that's- ah! Not quite what I expect from my caretaker," rumbled the Headmaster's deep voice somewhere above him. "But, if you insist..."

"What-" said Argus yet again, and stopped dead with his mouth open. Dumbledore had just managed to pull away the soaked strands from his eyes and, blinking through the gush of water, Argus found himself face to, um, face with Dumbledore's... wizard's staff, his mind supplied, and Argus would have giggled at the bad pun had the staff not been so impressive, even in its soft state. He let go as though burned, but that didn't improve matters in the least, because now he could see the organ in its whole glory as it trembled slightly with Dumbledore's gentle chuckle.

"Now there, Argus," Dumbledore said, "there's no need to worry. It won't bite you, you know."

Somehow, miraculously, Argus had slid closer, or maybe Dumbledore had taken a step forward, because the wrinkled, sagging piece of flesh was much closer to his face now. Through the thin layer of soapy foam, Argus could see the heavy sacs dangling behind it, covered with thin white hair that hung down in slick, soaked strings. Long fingers threaded through his hair, and the Headmaster's voice sounded again, this time a little breathlessly. "My dear Argus, I think we should take advantage of your position down there, what do you think?"

Blinking his eyes against the water, Argus forced himself to look up into the benignly smiling face above him. The long beard stuck to the Headmaster's naked skin, thin strands coiling like white snakes across his chest and sides. Argus could see one pert nipple peek saucily from underneath the white fur, and the sight went straight to his cock. "What do you mean, Headmaster?" he rasped, shifting slightly to accommodate the uproar in his pants.

"I mean, dear Argus," Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling more than ever; or maybe it was the water in Argus' eyes that obscured his vision. "I mean, we could take the opportunity to wash your hair, what do you think?" The thin hands had taken to massaging his oily scalp, long fingers weaving themselves through the stringy strands. When they reached the small balding patch right on top of his head, Argus couldn't suppress the sigh that escaped him on a cloud of warm breath, which apparently tickled the Headmaster's hairy balls. Dumbledore chuckled happily. "I'll take that as a yes," he said, pouring a generous amount of shampoo over his palm.

Argus felt the fingers back on his head, pressing it gently downwards, and his nose made contact with the Headmaster's shrivelled organ. He jerked back automatically, but the hands held him in place persistently, massaging in increasingly firmer circles.

"You can take it in your mouth, Argus," said Dumbledore encouragingly. "It won't get hard, not at my time of life, but I'm sure I will still enjoy it."

Argus squeezed his eyes tightly shut and sneaked out his tongue to lap gingerly at the soft, sagging skin. The organ dangled away, and he raised his hand to pull it back to his mouth. The forward motion brought him in even closer proximity to the other man's body. The gush of water was less heavy here, under the umbrella of Dumbledore's beard, and he could open his eyes fully. The soft penis was pale, and the single, long hairs that grew on its base were as white as the Headmaster's beard. Argus lifted his hand to fondle the soft, low-hanging balls. He could see what the Headmaster had meant by saying he wouldn't get hard: his genitals looked well worn-out, hunching in the abundance of wrinkly skin as though in overlarge sleeping bags. But the content sigh from above encouraged him to continue his exploration. He shifted closer and, in order to steady himself, curled the fingers of one hand around the Headmaster's blue-veined ankle.

Unfortunately, on its way there, the hand grazed one large foot, and Argus looked down instinctively. The sight of the white fluff growing on long, thin toes would have been quite off-putting in itself, but the Headmaster also sported long, yellow-tinged nails, one of which was ingrown and inflamed. Argus pulled a face at the sight.

"Is anything the matter?" asked Dumbledore, now massaging the nape of Argus' neck with those soapy fingers. Argus cleared his throat.

"I don't mean to be impertinent, Headmaster," he grunted, "but why don't you do something about that inflammation you've got there? I'm sure Pomfrey knows enough cures to relieve you from it. I had one myself, not long ago, and she fixed it all neatly with a flick of her wand."

"I appreciate your concern, dear Argus. But, you must understand, I've got a reputation to maintain. Alas, I am the most powerful wizard of my time! I can't go running to the school nurse with every ailment that torments me, not like you, a Squib, not like the children in my care. Unfortunately, I have never quite got the hang of healing charms myself." His words were accompanied by a heavy sigh, and Argus sighed as well. It was a hard lot, being a master wizard! Always a man of action rather than words, he bent lower and placed a chaste kiss on the swollen toe. And then another one, for good measure. Dumbledore wriggled the toe contentedly. "Thank you, Argus. All better now."

Encouraged by such friendly words, Argus lifted himself up from his crouching position back to his knees and, without any more hesitation, swallowed the Headmaster's soft prick. It remained lying unobtrusively on his tongue, and he wriggled his tongue around a bit to feel it roll sluggishly from one side to the other. With his other hand he groped for Dumbledore's balls again, pulling and stretching them gently, until he was rewarded by a soft moan from the Headmaster's throat. He even thought he could feel the lifeless cock twitch, as though the warmth of his mouth made it come back to life. In all probability, it hadn't known such treatment for many years and had forgotten what it was like to be gently kneaded by an agile tongue and massaged by careful teeth.

The thought that he might be the reason for the ancient Headmaster regaining his potency again excited the caretaker beyond all measure. His own cock had long since stopped twitching, if only because the tight leather trousers had turned into an outright prison, trapping it at an awkward angle. Argus let go of the hairy balls and reached between his own legs to offer his prick some relief. The Headmaster noticed his manipulations and pulled back his own hands that had been busy washing Argus' ears. His long fingers especially proved very efficient in cleaning the insides of the ears, as he inserted one long fingertip in one tight channel each and twirled them around expertly.

"That's right, Argus, just take them off," he said genially, pulling back slightly so that his cock slid out of the caretaker's mouth. Dumbledore's hand reached for it and started rubbing it in long, lazy strokes as Argus stumbled out of the shower and forced the stiff zipper open, revealing threadbare, off-white y-fronts. Completely drenched, the pants didn't do anything to hide the dark erection underneath, whose head was peeping cheekily from under the loose waistband, but Argus nevertheless modestly left them on. Hitching the sliding pants back up and pulling the matching vest down to cover his furry belly, he stepped back into the shower and into the waiting embrace of Albus Dumbledore. The white beard stuck to his chest momentarily, and Albus' mouth came closer and closer to fasten itself upon Argus'.

The sour scent of old man wasn't pleasant, but Dumbledore's tongue was slick and hot, and Argus let it massage his gums for a while before it slipped past his teeth deeper into his mouth. He pushed his own tongue forward to explore the warm cavern of Dumbledore's mouth, and in his enthusiasm, breathed in a noseful of white moustache hairs. He pulled back, coughing slightly, and said gruffly, "I better go back to where I left off, Headmaster."

Without waiting for an answer, he sank back to his knees and, pulling the beard to the side, sucked one of Albus' balls into his mouth. It wasn't great, but at least it tasted of fresh soap.

That gave him an idea. Without stopping the suckling motion, he reached for the soap and slicked one finger with it. After a moment's hesitation, he slicked another finger, and another one. Then, slowly, he slid the soapy hand past the Headmaster's balls into the cleft of his arse, where they get tangled in thick hair. Dumbledore chortled.

"If you're going to do what I think you're going to do, I'd better turn around, hadn't I?" he suggested with a twinkle. Argus mmh-ed his consent.

With a soft 'plop' the Headmaster's left testicle withdrew from Argus' mouth. Argus was groping and rubbing his cock through his pants as he watched the wizard turn around to face the wall. Albus braced himself on the cool tiles and wriggled his sagging arse suggestively.

Argus gulped, but his instinct drove him forward. He took the bottle of liquid soap in his hand and poured a generous amount over his fingers. With his other hand, he spread Dumbledore's flat arse cheeks and smoothed away the yellowish hair in his cleft. It grew there just as abundantly as on any other part of his body, bursting over the edges and crawling all the way up to cover the small of his back in a thick thatch. It was just as well, Argus thought. Thus, he was spared the sight of the bluish veins clearly visible under the pale skin.

He leaned in to place a kiss on the Headmaster's tailbone, and, driven by curiosity as well as desire, slid his tongue lower into the arse cleft. Careful not to swallow any hairs, he swirled it gently over the spot where he guessed the opening must be. He brought up his finger and probed around, first gently, then increasingly desperately, until he found the puckered hole, well hidden underneath the fur and among the countless wrinkles. His finger slid in effortlessly; clearly, the Headmaster was relaxed.

Argus worked one finger in and out several times, eliciting strangled grunts from the wizard. "More!" Dumbledore soon demanded. Argus let go of the bony hip he had been holding and pressed his hand against his own cock, watching a second finger joining the first. He pulled his pants down until they hung around his knees, and poured some more soap over his prick. Its large purple head pointed straight at Dumbledore's entrance, and Argus positioned himself behind the Headmaster and pushed right home. Dumbledore groaned as his ring of muscles was stretched, but he pushed back nevertheless. Argus reached around and took hold of the slick beard.

"Here we go, Headmaster!" grunted Argus, his hips falling into a frantic rhythm. It was an odd feeling, slapping against that sagging flesh and loose skin and not against the springy backside of an enthusiastic sixth-year who liked it rough and dirty. Dumbledore's buttocks didn't flush as enticingly and his hole didn't clench in quite such a stimulating manner as he was used to, but Argus was always happy to oblige. On the plus side, the Headmaster's loose balls swung madly to and fro, occasionally making contact with his own, firmer ones, which made Albus gasp hotly. Argus came with a hoarse grunt, burying himself balls-deep one last time. When he pulled out, his semen trickled out in a thick, lumpy dribble.

*******

Meanwhile, in the sixth-year Gryffindor boys' dormitory, Remus Lupin pulled himself away from the far too advanced book he was reading and rolled his eyes at the sheer idiocy of his best friend. "No, Peter, Filch wouldn't have ended up in our dormitory, because neither Sirius nor James were there at that point. He might have ended up in the girls' dormitory, though," he added with a disapproving sideways glance at the other two boys, who were sharing a butterbeer on James's bed.

"That's right, Peter," said James, messing up his hair. "The gate we've created-"

"Stumbled over, more likely," muttered Remus, which earned him an evil glare and a kick from Sirius.

"The gate has the property of bringing the person using it to the person they think of most intensely at that very moment. Seeing as we - all right, Sirius, I - thought most intensely of, er, a girl-"

"Lily Evans!" chanted Sirius and Remus in unison. Peter blushed and giggled, stuffing his fist in his mouth. Remus gave him an exasperated look.

"We ended up in the girls' dormitory!" exclaimed Sirius, letting himself fall back on the bed. "And what good timing it was, eh, Prongs?"

James grinned and pushed his glasses back up his nose.

"So what do you think, where did Filch disappear to?"

"Who knows?" Sirius shrugged carelessly. His t-shirt rode up to reveal taut, well-defined muscles rippling lazily under skin which managed to get a tan even under several layers of school uniform. Remus' eyes followed it momentarily before he cleared his throat and assumed his best lecture voice.

"It might have carried him anywhere within the castle," he said. "If we ever found out, we would know whom Argus thinks about when he thinks of trouble. Frankly, I am amazed he didn't materialise in the girls' dorm-"

"Why should he?" squeaked Peter. "Do you think he thinks about any of the girls?"

"He's always struck me as the type more likely to think about boys," grinned Sirius. Peter blushed and looked down at his hands.

"You would know, eh, Padfoot?"

"Shut up, James! I happen to be able to smell a poofter within a radius of two miles!"

Neither boy noticed the hunch of Remus' back as he took up the abandoned book and busied himself with reading again. Sirius' voice shook him out of his studies.

"Whatcha say, Remus?"

"Huh?"

"Why didn't he appear in the girls' dorm? I was sure he'd think of us when he sees trouble. He should have followed wherever we disappeared to."

"You know, it might come as a shock, but maybe you are not at the top of Filch's list."

"Oh well. We'd better try harder, then," Sirius flashed him a cocky grin.

"I do wonder though - what has he been up to, Filch?" said James thoughtfully.

******

"That was a lovely surprise, Argus," said Dumbledore from behind the towel he used to rub his beard dry. "I do hope you enjoyed yourself as much as I did."

"I certainly did, Headmaster," replied Argus distractedly, looking for his second sock.

"You must understand, however, that in my position, I cannot afford any... indiscretion. Nothing of what happened here today must ever be known to any living soul." Dumbledore's blue eyes followed Filch's hurried movements as he was getting dressed.

"That is taken as read, Headmaster," said Argus, pulling on his overcoat. "I won't tell anyone."

"I'm sure you won't," Dumbledore said amiably, pulling out his wand. "Obliviate!"


End file.
